We live in a world that often values being liked over being honest, but it's important to understand the difference between kindness and niceness, and why one leads to deeper, more meaningful connections than the other.
Niceness is often about saying the right things, trying to please others, or avoiding conflict. It’s a mask we wear to make others feel good and avoid discomfort. Kindness, on the other hand, comes from a deeper place—it's about clarity, truth, and genuine care for others, even when it’s not easy.
The word kindness is rooted in the word kinsman, which refers to someone who is family, someone with whom you share a bond of love and trust. Kindness, then, is not just about actions; it’s about honesty and clarity. A kinsman tells the truth, even when it might be difficult, because truth is an essential part of love. Ephesians 4:15 reminds us, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." True kindness involves speaking the truth, even when it’s hurtful because it's motivated by love, not a desire to be liked.
I’ve often struggled with this distinction in my own life. There have been times when I focused so much on being nice—saying what I thought people wanted to hear—that I neglected to be kind. Niceness can be a way of avoiding conflict, but the problem is that when you avoid the truth, nothing gets resolved. Niceness may make things feel pleasant in the moment, but it’s glossing over the problem, and it never actually gets addressed.
When I’m not kind, what ends up happening is that my niceness gets overlooked. People think I’m fine with things that actually bother me. And because I’m not being clear or honest, nothing changes. Kindness, on the other hand, means being clear and truthful, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means speaking up when something hurts. Instead of constantly saying, "It’s okay," or "no worries," kindness involves saying, "What you did hurt my feelings, and while I appreciate your apology, I need time to process how I feel because your actions have affected me."
That’s not pretty. It doesn’t sound nice. But it’s kind because it is rooted in clarity and honesty.
It opens up an honest dialogue and allows both parties to understand what’s really going on underneath the surface.
In therapy, I came to the realization that I wasn’t being kind in many of my relationships. I had been so focused on being nice, trying to avoid conflict, that I failed to communicate how people’s actions affected me. As a result, there was no clarity, and the relationships remained fractured.
Niceness can be a way of hiding the truth, and it often leads to misunderstandings. But kindness always involves truth, even when it’s difficult. You can be nice but still be unkind because you're not being honest. And you can be kind but not necessarily "nice" because you're speaking the truth, even when it’s not wrapped in the most comforting package. And in the long run, that’s the blessing.
I want to challenge you to think about a relationship in your life where you've been nice but not kind. How can you reframe that situation? How can you reframe that moment and be kind by confronting the person and telling them the truth about how you feel?
Kindness and niceness are both valuable, but they serve different purposes. Niceness can be a way of protecting yourself or maintaining peace, but it doesn’t bring lasting resolution.
Kindness, on the other hand, is about being honest and clear, even when the truth is hard to hear.
We need to learn when to use each, and how to balance them, so we can live more authentically. You’re not called to be nice; you’re called to be kind. That means being clear and telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable to say.
Niceness is a front, but kindness is a posture. As Proverbs 27:6 says, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." True kindness may feel painful in the moment, but it leads to healing, growth, and genuine connection.
Let’s learn to be kind—to speak the truth wrapped in love—so that we can create clarity in our relationships—because that’s what will truly set us free.
Blessings and love,
~ Preethi
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