I started to witness more people treat sadness as a sickness they don’t want to catch. As if allowing ourselves to truly feel sad is the ultimate form of weakness.
“Toughen up”
“Don’t let it affect you”
“Don’t be sad”
“Don’t cry”
“Look on the bright side”
“Don’t think about it”
These are the responses the majority of us have heard while growing up, when we were feeling or acting down. We grew up in a culture that taught us that these emotions aren’t right and that they need to disappear as quickly as possible.
The intention behind the responses may have been from a good place, but they all preach the message that whatever makes us feel bad needs to go away quickly.
That is why we have more and more people who “shut off their emotions' ' by running away from people, places, and things that touch their vulnerability.
I mean, why would we want others to feel hurt, especially the ones we love?
Let me share something with you.
One day a child in the class I was teaching in who is normally one of the happiest bubbliest kids, started crying at her desk. One of her friends came up to me and told me she was crying.
I looked at the child and waved her over to me.
She continued crying and as her voice was breaking she told me that her mom didn’t tell her she was going to pick her up that day like she usually does.
I smiled to myself because it was such an innocent thing to cry about but I treated her as if she had every right to be sad about it.
I knew that she had after school that day so I wiped her tears and told her that her mom told me she was going to after school.
She looked at me as if she had been betrayed, and her body was shaking because she was crying so hard.
I knew she was hurting and feeling alone at that moment so I opened my arms for her so that I could hug her and she came into the hug. I held her until she stopped crying and then I let her decide when to leave my embrace. I felt her body loosen up and her face was calm when she looked at me again.
I didn’t just pat her back or give her a quick hug; I didn’t tell her to stop crying or not to be sad.
Even though the reason behind her tears was something so innocent and small to me, for her, it was a big deal. Everyone experiences their emotions at different levels, some more than others, and we have to be aware so we can respond appropriately.
The first step is recognizing that sadness is NOT a negative or bad emotion.
We need to be cautious of labeling and categorizing an emotion as good or bad.
Emotions are responses to situations and who are we to dictate how one should feel?
Remember, responding and feeling are two different things.
We cannot always control how we feel, but we can control how we react and respond.
The concern stems from not knowing how to deal with these feelings when we have them, because along with the feelings of happiness we experience, we also feel sadness throughout the course of our life.
When you cry it out, you will start to feel less tense about a situation.
Your body and mind naturally calm down as you let yourself release.
If we don’t allow ourselves to feel properly, we will respond improperly.
When you keep your tears in, anger or coldness may start to build up on top. This build-up can lead to you lashing out later or taking your unaddressed sadness out on someone else.
Sadness is inevitable. So bearing acceptance with it is a necessity.
If we go about dealing with sad feelings as some kind of sickness that needs to be treated quickly, we can never sit in them and understand how to manage them.
The danger of not managing these emotions is that not only do we run away from them, but we also run from people and places that remind us that we haven’t properly dealt with these feelings.
Think about the last time you met someone who made you realize that you are very sensitive, but you're so used to putting on a facade that you are as tough as steel.
Did you stick around this person, or did you start to distance yourself?
Maybe they were a really great person, but he or she started to shed light on your emotional fragility, which threatened your sense of control.
Think about the last time you went to a place where there were a lot of sad people - maybe a funeral, or during a prayer gathering, or in a movie.
Did you feel like you wanted to get out as soon as possible?
That you felt trapped?
These are signs that you haven’t dealt with sadness in a healthy manner, and that you’d rather avoid it than feel it.
You’re avoiding a feeling that you’re going to keep coming across throughout your life, and will only find yourself more and more unable to manage and respond in situations that trigger sadness.
Those who don’t sit in their sadness and FEEL through it, cover it up with anger, or better yet a fake smile, and just let the sadness flow underneath.
So what does it mean to deal with sadness?
Many of us think that coping is the same as dealing with our feelings.
For example, someone upset you so instead of getting upset by it and letting it affect your mood, you choose to do something uplifting such as go shopping or get food, or maybe listen to music to block out the sadness, or even go to the gym and break a sweat.
These are all great ways to channel your sadness in the moment, but they are not addressing the feeling itself. This is where we tend to make the mistake of coping mechanisms as a solution, when they’re solely meant to be a tool for alleviating the momentary build up.
What happens when we choose to cope and not feel sadness, is that we bury it.
We don’t sit and think of who or what makes us sad and why we’re feeling so heavy about it. We don’t let the tears out and don’t allow our body and mind to calm down. And when we see this thing, place or person again, they will trigger the buried sentiments that we had not properly dealt with and that can cause to to instead respond in anger, or coldness to not only them but to others who had nothing to do with the situation as well.
Don’t let it get that far where you’re becoming negative towards others because you haven’t dealt with your feelings properly!
I’m going to be transparent with you, I’m a big cryer.
And no I don’t mean I cry when someone yells at me upsets me to my face,
But if someone or something does upset me , I take my time to distance myself and sit with sadness.
Even when someone angers me and it hits hard, I cry it out.
What this does is that it allows me to FEEL and release,
And the most beautiful part is that it softens my heart toward the situation and or the person.
I know some of you may think that softening your heart makes you weaker and more fragile but it's the exact opposite.
When you release the buildup of sadness, you no longer allow the person or situation to affect you as heavily. I’m not saying your problems go away right after you cry, but the root cause of your sadness can be addressed from a more peaceful state of mind because you've been released.
Addressing sadness doesn’t happen overnight.
I want you to try this the next time you are experiencing hurt and want to bottle up the tears- go to a comfortable space and let your tears out. Allow yourself permission to feel, reflect, and heal.
My friends, Sadness is Not a Form of Weakness, it is a Weapon of Strength.
Once you begin to allow yourself to feel through the emotion wholeheartedly, you can better deal with situations that hurt you instead of running away from them.
Always remember you were carefully chosen, beautifully created, and are always loved.
Stay blessed.
~Preethi
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